Who do i turn to now? I can only have this much on my plate. I don't know what's going on... So confused. No one is telling me anything. Feel like tearing everything apart.

Feel like talking to you too.

I want to be happy and smiling again :)


Been experiencing stomach discomfort and slight pain at chest area for few days already. Maybe it's because of over-exhaustion, but I have gone through more tiring days than now.

lost

I feel very lost.

I wish to turn back time. But, I know within myself that, even if i can really turn back time, I won't change anything. That's me. That's who I am. I can't change it. I don't want to force myself to keep up. It tires me. I feel like I'm forced or pressured to do it.

But, I don't know. It is my fault, and solely mine that it's falling out. Maybe, maybe I want it to fall out. I just don't know. I feel bad and guilty but really, it's difficult - at least for me.

Is it wrong to go separate ways?



I have been a loner, and have always been.

suju's coming :D

I feel very lazy today. Did not even touch my books after finish class. I'm giving myself a break~ Tomorrow only revise back my notes. Maybe because this is my 3rd year in college already, i don't feel the excitement of new things anymore. I used to be excited over new subjects, lecturers, books but now, things seem to be a little bit down. But, it's alright :) Quite fun also, sometimes break got go out, watch movies and yum cha.

I want to do a recap on my subjects also, like how Chloe did :)

Financial Accouting 2
Very, very boring. Maybe this is just the beginning so it's more of theory and less/none of calculations but it will soon come. Actually, this subject is okay. The lecturer is the one i'm not satisfied with. She talks too fast, like really, really fast. Faster than any of the lecturer i had since high school.

After her tutorial on Tuesday, mind and body (hands), so exhausted. Before entering her class, must prepare first hehe.

Management Accouting 1
:D because of Marcia also! She's a really good lecturer. This is the 4th time she's teaching me since foundation. This subject is very similar to CMA. The assignment is based on CMA's chapter 3 if i'm not mistaken, so i have to study back the chapter.

Auditing 1
This lecturer... likes to ask questions. Haha, so when you're in her class, must make sure you understand her lecture or the tutorial question. But, it's good also because in a way she "forces" us to pay more attention to what we're reading la :)

And, I sorta like the textbook also.

Financial Management 1
Okay okay la. Will need the textbook to do well in exam haha. He reads directly from the notes and even if he gives his own explaination, idk what's he saying anyway. Most of the time, all of us will be like, "huh?".



Super Junior having concert in M'sia on Mac 20. I want to go, planning to go, but $$$ don't know where to find. Haha, but small problem only la.

Ryeowook ♥.



I keep hearing songs from my room, but the hp's not ringing.. so weird. Takkan my ears got problem?

Good morning~~

I woke up earlier today just to print FM1 lecture notes. Later, I will have Audit and FM lecture for 6 hours with a 4.5 hours break in between. Where to go leh? :)

Just now on the way back, i almost hit a car. Like, seriously, by a split second. Ugh- thinking about it just makes me shiver and - i don't even want to talk about it. Reminds me of my 1st one. I'll never forget that morning. Felt so lonely and scared at the same time. As if the fear is eating me up. These are the moments when i ask myself what if this happens and that happens. Sigh.


Don't know why, after that when i reach home, the first thing i find for is ... my dream. Suddenly, i want it so badly that i felt anger inside me for not being able to have it. Ah so confusing~

1st week of uni is over~~~

This year is my 3rd year in uni. Time passes so fast. I remember in Foundation (2008), someone told me that foundation year is very fast and soon it will be your 4th year. 1 year has passed since then. I miss my Foundation year. No stress, and everything is new to you. New environment, new system of studying, new challenges, and new friends :)

I need to sign up for a new blogspot account because my current one has exceed the photo uploading limit =x thats why i didn't post pictures for a long time.

My tummy keep giving out weird sounds like when i'm hungry, but i'm not hungry.

Every start of the sem, I'll tell myself.

After every lecture/tutorial, must read back from textbook. Study 4 weeks before exam.

Urm, I manage to do this during foundation year. But now... aih~ I'm getting lazier and lazier. It's difficult because I keep procrastinating. Tomorrow only read la, tomorrow only start revising la~

Usually, our assignment dateline is very, very close to our finals, like few days or a week before finals only. So, there's practically no time to study for finals. I'm the type of person that can only concentrate doing one thing at a time. Until I have not hand in my assignment, it is difficult to concentrate on revising for my finals.


Susahnya.

Want to blog, but i'm so, so, so sleepy now D:
mm tomorrow after uni only blog la.

Cirque de Freak, The Vampire's Assistant

Ah~ just got Corporate Comm. marks - 77. Feel a bit disappointed cause i wanted to get A .. but the exam was 2 months ago. I don't even remember what i did for the test already, so ... haha what i'm trying to say is something that happen so long ago doesn't matter already now.


Marcia haven't start teaching Management Accounting yet, so today after the class, we (me, chloe, kah ann, koh) went to Jusco Cheras Selatan to watch Cirque de Freak The Vampire's Assistant~ Sorry Cheryl and sis, we watched without you :(

The intro of the movie is super long, much much longer than other movies. Hmm, overall it's a okay movie la. I expected more from it. The trailer is very deceiving ;p I didn't like the ending because it was hanging, but it was done very intentionally. As if the director got lazy and split the movie into movie 1 and 2.

Want to go uni now, but too early. Should wake up at 10.30am but feel so lazy if i wake up so late. Hmm, wonder what Marcia will teach later? Very hungry also..

I want to watch Vampire's Assistant and Legion! :D Got a 4.5 hours break tomorrow and every Wednesday for this sem. If got nothing to do, i will go home and rest 1st.

I need to get my studying momentum up~ need to work harder than last year!

You know what defines me? This. This is the real me. I was 17 when i wrote this. I miss the old me so much i'd crawl back to the past just to hold onto to the individualistic me. Where did the old me went? After entering uni, i became more serious (and boring) and turn into one of the many carbon copies of girls my age. ..... doesn't make sense, nvm. I want myself back!

1. Your ex and you
enjoys calling each other Dino. He calls my dog Indian Dog weii !
I'm gonna spank him with my fish already.
- The hell, what is with me and my fish thing?

2. I am listening to
Rising sun (instrumental piano)
- Oh god, it used to me my xanga's .. song. What u called that again?

3. Maybe I should
stop procrastinating and start work. It feels as if SPM is over but the sight a huge stack of Accounts books reminds me of everything. Thank you, accounts for making me feel guilty.
- Haha I used to hate accounts last time!

4. I love
me, my dog, Hero and oreo.
- Mm, hero and oreo :D

5. Chocolate is
nice only if it's with green mint and biscuit.
- I still like chocolate + green mint now. No changes there.

6. I don't understand
why some people enjoys twitting, but then again, some people doesn't understand why I enjoy typing in full sentences.

7. I have lost my respect for
people whom sputter vulgar words. No matter how gorgeous, smart, rich, as long you start saying kns (and etc.), you're outta my list.

8. I last ate
Ladyfinger.

9. The meaning of my display name is
(Snow Pea, Princess of Pealandia with Prince Darthpea.) I'm supposed to be some pea princess and darth's the prince. I play all day in Enchanted Garden with fairies while he pops grapes in my mouth. Yeap, that's it.
- I miss talking and spazzing with darth too. We drifted apart because.. I was too "busy" living my life and... we just stop talking to each other. Mutual, i guess.

10. God
omitoufu.

11. Girlfriend(s)
are people that sticks with you till the end.

12. I will always remember
my past and the lessons learnt. Oh, and to remind mum to buy sushi for me.

13. Love is
cinta.
- lololololol what is this harh.

14. I never ever want to lose (give up)
something.

15. My Friendster
is boring. Everyone went to Facebook. I should do one too but I'm darn lazy.

16. Tomorrow I will
wake up at 8am and study Accounts. The lie of the year.

17 . I get annoyed when
people budge into my life. Oh and when I tell people I don't know how to take public transport, they think i'm dumb.
I'm not even given the chance to try it ! So what if I don't know ?! That doesn't make me a failure.

18 . Parties
... boring. Big ones are, but small close ones are fun !

20 . Simple kisses
are the sweetest thing ever.

21. Today I
screamed when I saw a lizard. My sister went all '' MY CUPCAKE MY CUPCAKE TAKE MY CUPCAKE !! ''


-________-

I would have tripped on my way to the bed and she still would be shouting for her cupcakes.


22 . I wish
for my dream to come true.

IS YOUR / ARE YOU...

01. Is your hair wet?
No. Perfectly dry.

02. Is your cell phone right by you?
No, it's in front of me.

03. Do you miss someone?
I think so ....... But I'm not gonna tell you ! HAHA

05 . Are you tired?
A little. My eyes are wearing out.

06 . Are you wearing pyjamas?
No. I don't wear pyjamas to sleep. Hold on, I do wear something, but not pyjamas.

08. Are you mad?
If I'm mad, Phua Chu Kang will start wearing red pasar boots tomorrow.
- THE LAMENESS OF THIS DDDDDDDD; wth am i thinking :(

HAVE YOU...

09. Recently done anything you regret?
Nothing. Not major stuffs anyway.

03. Ever stuck gum under a desk?
Yee, I swear you have done that if not you would not have ask me ! Right RIGHT ! Tell me I'm right !
RAWR

04 . Ever kicked someone?
You mean from the front or back?
Bottom or below?

I prefer front and below personally.

05. Ever tripped over your own feet?
Yeah. Over my baju kurung, the rock, the steps, what else I haven't tried yet?

TODAY HAVE YOU...

Q: Have you cursed?
No. Told'ya I don't curse. Okay fine, maybe a teeny weeny bit like once a month.

Q: Have you gotten mad at someone?
Duh.

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
Yadda yadda, this is the 2nd time you've asked me. You just wanna trick me RIGHT !
You evil evil question.


*shakes head sympathetically*
- I talk to myself a lot too last time. Maybe that's why i have better imagination at that time.

Q: Do you have any siblings?
One whom made failed but delicious cupcakes today and another one who lost 2 front tooth at once.
I feel so neutral around them.

Q: Do you want children?
*jumps around* Apple apple ! =D
- Urm, apple.. as in the name of my future child. Urm.. apple, still appeals to me ;x

Q: Do you smile often?
Today no. Pms makes me angry. I'm grumpy today.

Q : Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
No. Lazy people like me and you would force the shoe out without untying them.

Q : do you like your handwriting?
Yeah, I think it looks so pretty and neat.

Hehe, i found this in my xanga. So nostalgic ♥ I forgot who was it written or aimed to, but i missed writing like this so much :( having fun re-reading my xanga now~


The sky is foggy. Dusk is falling in and Grey clouds are forming above me. There are thunders striking the earth. Everything around me starting to ebb away. I look around helplessly, for someone. Anyone humanely enough. I hear voices, so near yet so far. Whispering sweet nothings to me. I struggle to push them away by closing my delicate ears. I still hear them.

The sky is pitch black now. There is nothing around me, empty spaces. It feels like infinity is closing in to me now. I am alone. I wander aimlessly, for a touch. For anything, for anyone. Then, i saw you. You're the light in the dark. Yet, I could not recognize your face. Your exotic beauty, enticed me immediately in the utter confusion. You smiled and caught my heart.

Another me

Wao, I wrote this yesterday night and now i read back... it's so personal, but nevermind la :D

Start: 11.36pm

Am writing this on my bed atm. 1st day to college for the 3rd year consecutively. 2010/20 represents a new year and new decade for me. 20 is such a big number but i still feel like 16 years old.Why is that most people compares their current age with 16, and not 15 or 17? 15 feels too young and 17, too old. 16 is just nice.

You know what is frustrating? Waking up from a dream, but unable to recall the person's face. I can remember the person and his characteristics perfectly in my dream, then the moment i wake up, the face disappears, then i'd spend the whole day racking my brain and recreating scenes in my dream. ;3

I enjoy dreaming a lot, especially when i'm the one behind it. Like directing my own movie/dream. I do and say what i want- basically it's me in a worldwhere i don't need to hold myself back. I always fly in dreams. But, it's quite difficult because i have to concentrate my energy on making myself lighter to fly. Don't know if this make sense though.

Anyway, 'nuff about flying. -I wrote something here about a dream I recently dreamed of, but it's very personal to me.. something like a secret, i guess. Not that it contains xxx lol, but.. something that i treasure and have been thinking a lot of. So, i'm omitting it out-

Writing about this... makes me feel even more exhausted than i am now. Since few years back, I make up this habit of mine -whenever i think about love/relationships stuffs, i'll get exhausted very fast. It's a way i use to make myself to stop thinking about it because i was having trouble concentrating on studies at that time. It still works now.

Hmm. What to write...

I want to sleep and find that person again. Though it is imposible, if i put my concentration to imagining him, maybe, maybe i could create and continue that dream again.

Ah~ reading back my previous paragraph, i sound like a delusional lovesick (lol) teenager/adult?!. But, writing like this is healthy. I don't usually write like this cause it's like exposing another side of me that i have been hiding. But, what's written, written :) Not gonna delete entries or backspace anymore.

End: 12.00am



Still feel a little heavy-headed now. Maybe cause I haven't eaten my breakfast yet. Going to uni 3 hours later.

Ring ding dong~ ♥

It's year 2010

A new year, a new blog, a new start.

I thought of revamping twilightofchandelier to something simpler, but i felt that even if i give it a new skin, the feeling is still the same. Stale, stagnant, boring, dusty, groggy (hehe). Because i was stuck in this situation where i seem to be lying to myself, even in my blog. It's supposed to be a place for me to let everything out, but the more i write, the more i hide things. So, yeah i'm hoping this time, i won't hold myself back.

jaekeyundermyskin.

Jae is for jaejoong, of course. The first korean celeb (weird to call him celeb, maybe singer or something) I've ever like.

Key is for, well, key. There's actually another reason of me liking key now, but it's really ridiculous and i don't see that person anymore so it doesn't really matter anyway. It's hard to keep the feeling when i only see him like few times a year. Anyway, Key's really adorable ♥.

Undermyskin is from mirotic. Nothing really special, just something i thought of only. No special meaning there.



Feel heaty now. I still want to write, so much to pour out. Have to continue tomorrow.




Something that I'd written on Jan 1.

I woke up, losing someone important.
I still remember our conversation, your expressions.
You felt so real, so warm to me.


Just so that I can remember this. I'm afraid of forgetting it.